Sunday 26 October 2014

Life Update.

I'm super not a fan of life updates. I talk a lot, but it's my goal to talk a lot to not say a lot. If I had enough self-esteem to say that I liked to hear myself talk, that would be the reason, but I'm far, far, too self deprecating for that.

This is more, cathartic, and I'm hoping that if I send out into the universe in as many directions as possible that I'm looking for a decently paid, supportive environment - along with my own efforts - I'll find one, and one will find me and we'll find each other and it will be good.

If you follow me on twitter...then you know I have a job - while grateful to be employed - but it's bitter-sweet. Without getting into much detail I work in a highly dysfunctional place, from the top level down to me; I've been working here over a year and basically have leaned to cover my ass and do my job without walking on people, or blaming others because everyone is so embittered who works here. Any initiative that is attempted is stamped on and no one really knows what is going on 100% of the time. ANYWAY, I digress...and on twitter I go on frequent rants, keep up there.

Since looking for a job I've been stuck on a how to enact the "law of attraction" and being mindful of self talk and how I speak with others, as well as honouring my feelings. Because, frankly after 9 months of searching I feel pretty shit. It's exhausting. I'm also not naturally competitive or good at talking myself up. I've also never had an issue getting a job before. I've always known someone, and they basically gave me the job on a silver platter.


Me sending resumes





                          
                               How I feel (sometimes an hour after sending my application) waiting for a call back




                                  
Getting the call back


                              
How eloquent I am in the interview



After the interview

Most of the time if it's a woman the age of 45 + they love me. I can't explain why, but they all think I'm charming and hilarious. Which is true. Despite having tons of experience in the jobs I've applied for, there is usually a (this is the recruiter telling me) someone with more experience and less personality than me. I'm someone people want to work with, but "economically speaking from a business perspective" they would spend less time training the other person (and more time ruing the day they didn't hire me). I'm certain sexual favours were offered or large sums of cash money, because twice now I've been told "you're a shoe-in, they love you, they were actually raving about how awesome you are" to be told "they went with the boring one with more experience". I'm paraphrasing there but you get the gist. 

What hurts more is knowing that I'm not at work today giving my two weeks. I'm here, on the search again, repeating this cycle. This time I hope with a new ending. Something comparable to this: 
Me getting a job (by the end of the month, tops).

Monday 20 October 2014

On Halloween

I'm not into it. I have no reason, it's just not my favourite social holiday. Christmas is. I'm not against Halloween, I just don't "do it". Fair game for those that do, but I will politely decline your invites to parties, or group costume invitations (though being that I live in a place with none of my friends near by...this isn't so much an issue now). When I was a child there was a payout, I got to goof around in school for a day, and I got candy when I  asked at night. As an adult I can dress up as something pre-made and "sexy", or I can go all out and do something creative for a party or get-together. Neither of which I want to pay for or make an effort for. One, "looking sexy" is not something I enjoy doing, and most adult costumes for women are pretty misogynistic version of sexy...and I don't like being cold - which is what happens when you dress as a sexy cop, fire-fighter, nun, witch, etc. Creative costumes, which can be sexy or not, are an automatic no, quite simply, I don't care, and if I'm going to make clothing, I'm going to wear it more than one day a year.

The above is pretty much my reasoning behind not actively taking part in Halloween. It's just not fun for me. However, having this known, usually I get accused of "spoiling the fun"trust me, I would spoil the fun if I was there not dressed up, "being boring" I'm not, I can't justify this, but I'm not boring...to me anyway, "being strange" I also can't justify this...but not doing what others do...doesn't make me strange, or having people tell me "it's just one day a year!" no shit Sherlock! I still don't want to invest the time or money when I could drink wine in my bed, rather than wear a skimpy or bulky costume with more with a smelly mask or itchy wig or make-up. 

I've just never gotten pleasure out of wearing a costume. When I was a child I dressed up because...that's what you did, but as soon as I was given the option not to, I didn't put the effort in and stopped altogether - I stopped getting costumed up probably at the age of 9 or 10 - I trick-or-treated, but it was becoming a hassle. By 11, I gave up, mostly because of my height, parents thought I was much older, and used to ask how old I was before the decided what candy to give me; but also my mum got bored of handing out candy. Why hand out candy, when you have kids who are kind of over trick or treating, to do it for you? Isn't that what having kids is all about? Getting them to do the stuff that is too tedious for you to do? My mom's philosophy anyway. We all came to the consensus when I was about 15 to pretend we weren't home. As I got older, my parents were both more blatant about it. They didn't even pretend they weren't home, and it became a trend, both sides of our neighbours followed suit. Not liking Halloween is sort of a family affair. I mean it's not like we're holding picket signs, but once my sister and I stopped being cute, it was kind of like, "who cares?" No one. Not in my house. Also, Halloween in Canada is cold and sometimes we get a first dusting of snow, so you're stuck looking ridiculous putting your costume over a coat. It worked with my witch costume, it made my Raggedy-Anne costume look like a clown and my princess look like a raggedy-ass drag queen -though some of the fault lands on my mom's so-called make-up skills; if my Mum was a drinker I would have blamed intoxication, but there is no reason why my make up was that bad - just like there is no reason why I don't like Halloween.

My partner who is a joiner and happy to participate in social events regardless of the requirement goes off and does whatever. He always encourages me to at least make an effort, but why make an effort when you have a full bottle of wine and a warm bed, and it's not like I'm not festive! I'll watch Hocus Pocus and the Craft. That said, me watching those movies in bed with wine could be any time the mood strikes me...which is a lot. What I'm saying is, I have no reason to not like Halloween, and I don't need one. I'm just sick of answering the questions, and oddly being persecuted for liking (OK,tolerating) the clothing I have (can afford) now and not (apparently) expressing my alter ego.